Worry Hole Part 2

So, I am about halfway through my pregnancy and the relief I received from the reassuring fetal echo was short lived. I went right back to worrying about the incompetent cervix and forced my dr.'s to scan my cervix every week as oppossed to every 2. When I was home I would lay on the bed with my feet up and avoid doing anything out of fear of putting pressure on my cervix. The thing with an incompetent cervix is that it is not usually diagnosed until it is too late for a cerclage. I was terrified and made myself more terrified. I searched the internet and found stories that supported my self diagnosed fear. I was also not above taking a trip to labor and delivery triage whenever I needed reassurance with a cervical check.

My husband and I went on vacation with his brother and brother's wife at 25 weeks. I was past the viability mark and had some relief. I was still terrified but a little less so. For some reason this vacation and being on the beach helped me to let go and enjoy myself, my pregnancy and the vacation. I walked, a lot. The day after we came home I went to my appointment got my cervix measured and it was perfect. That was evidence enough for me that my cervix was not a concern.

I should have been relieved I should have allowed myself to enjoy the third trimester and prepare for my baby. Let myself be excited and cherish every kick. Not obsess about listeriosis and all the possible diseases I could contract that would cause my baby any harm. I had also bought a fetal doppler and would use it everyday (less so when I felt movement consistently but I carried it in my purse in case I was ever worried) to check on the baby. It was around this time that I started to be very concious of germs and engaged in frequent handwashing and hand sanitizing. I was obsessed with food and would microwave the heck out of meat to make sure it was cooked all the way. Contracting an illness was always on my mind.

At 32 weeks I started having a tight belly all the time with lower backaches. I thought I was getting a kidney infection. I had passed stones throughout my pregnancy and was on a daily low dose antibiotic to prevent an infection but thought I had one anyway. It started on a Friday and I let it go until Saturday. Saturday I was just mildly concerned and called the OB thinking maybe he could call in a stronger antibiotic. He said it was probably an infection but to go to triage so they could do a urine dip and make sure and give me something for it. So I go by myself Dh was at work. They get the pee, hook me up to the contraction and fetal heart rate monitor and I was contracting pretty regularly. They checked my cervix and it was long and closed so they sent me home (urine was clear) and told me to come back if I had more than 8 contractions an hour. The next day (Sunday) my belly was tight pretty much all day and I thought maybe I should go get checked out just to be sure since I had to work the next day. Well I go get hooked up and am having contractions every 5 minutes, they check the cervix and I am dilated to a 1 and 50% effaced. That was a concern. Just yesterday I was completly closed and long and thick. So the contractions were changing my cervix.

I was immediately admitted put on a magnesium drip and given steroids for the baby's lungs. This entire time I was calm. I was concerned but not freaking out. My husband says that it is strange because I am anxious all the time but when there is actually a real concern I am calm. I think that this is because it was not the worst case scenario (WSC). My baby was okay they could stop labor and even if born at 32 weeks he had a good prognosis. I was in the hospital for 5 days until they could get the contractions under control. I went home on bedrest and meds.

The next weeks my worries were not of preterm labor but of stillbirth, infection, cord accidents. The WCS. I was at home and was able to worry and search the internet to no end. I was worried about losing the baby during the birth. All the scariest situations. Many a trip to triage to make sure the baby was okay. At one OB appointment during a non stress test the baby had some decels with contractions. I was sent to the hospital for 2 nights for monitoring (this was at 34 weeks). I was monitored for 2 days and had no more decels so went back home with 3x weekly NST and Biophysical Profiles of the baby. This only fueled my anxious fire. Other women would think that they were being closely monitored and take comfort in that. I was the opposite I was more convinced something was going to go wrong.

At my 36 week ultrasound they saw hydronephrosis on the baby's kidneys. They said it was common in boys and not a worry. I immediately scoured the internet and was again worried about a chromosomal abnormality. My husband was completly mystified. He told me I ran out of things to worry so my worries have come full circle and are repeating. I begged the nurse at my OB's office to convince the Dr. to give me an amnio. I just could not go on not knowing if my baby was healthy. They told me it was pointless because by the time they would get the results my baby would be here. So I went those final weeks convinced something was going to be wrong with my baby.

I waited so long for this baby I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I should mention I had been in therapy for about a year at this point. The OB's and my therapist wanted me on zoloft to try and control my anxiety. They even snuck in a psychiatrist during one of my visits who prescribed me the med. I filled the prescription but refused to put it in my body. I knew it would probably help but my anxiety about taking it prevented me from taking it for help. It was a vicious cycle. At my 38 week appointment I was presented with the option of a 39 week induction. Everyone was surprised that I was even still pregnant and with my history of decels we thought it was best to induce then instead of going possibly 2 more week with 3xweek NSTs and BPP's. I of course was all for this I just needed to see that my baby was okay and end this constant worry. My new worry deadline was going to be when he was born. Once I saw he was okay I just knew I would be able to stop worrying. Birth story to follow!!!!!