FKA Infertile

A question I have been asking myself is now that I have a baby am I still considered infertile? I have a diagnosis of PCOS and without Clomid or Follistim or Metformin I do not ovulate regularly on my own. Now that I have had a baby do I lose the infertile title? I still feel infertile. My whole pregnancy I acted like someone who had a difficult struggle conceiving. Being in the TTC with Fertility Treatments world I know way too much about all of the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy. Two pink lines does not equal a healthy baby in 9 months.

When I finally got my BFP (big fat positive) my first feeling was relief. I was shocked and told my husband well no matter what happens now at least I know I can get pregnant. Ha! That lasted all of 2 hours before the worry set in. What will my 1st Beta be? Will my Beta double? Will it be a chemical pregnancy? Is there a sac on the ultrasound? Is there a heartbeat? Once I met all of those criteria I then worried about making it to the 2nd trimester. I told myself I will relax once I get to the second trimester. Well once that happened I was then worried about NT scans and chromosmal abnormalities. NT results were 1 in 10,000 (very reassuring) for chromosomal abnormalities so I relaxed for a couple of weeks.

My RE (reproductive endocrinologist) released me to a high risk doctor at 14 weeks. Dr. L and his colleagues are Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialists. From 14 weeks forward I would be getting a transvaginal ultrasound to measure my cervical length and check for any signs of funneling that would indicate an incompetent cervix. I had a LEEP procedure about 6 years earlier, which could have left my cervix weak. An incompetent cervix can cause early dilation and preterm labor. The cervix will dilate once the baby gets too heavy in the case of an incompetent cervix and this typically happens mid second trimester. Right before the milestone 24 week viability mark.

So I told myself I would relax once I hit the magic 24 week viability mark. Well at my 18 week ultrasound of the baby they thought he may have a whole in his heart. At earlier ultrasounds they had seen an echogenic focus on his heart that is a very mild marker for down syndrome. Well once they told me that there could be a heart abnormality I went goo.gle crazy. A heart defect combined with the echogenic focus really increased the odds of a chromosomal abnormality. Note: The MFM's told me not to worry we would get a heart echo to rule out the hole (VSD) and they were not concerned about the baby or chromosomal abnormality. I have a tendency to go to the worst case scenario (WCS). I was not worried about down syndrome but the almost always fatal Trisomy 18. I told myself I could handle DS begged God please just let it be DS not T18. Freaked myself out and called the doctors office everyday crying to the point that they moved up my fetal echo to 19 weeks instead of 20 because they were worried about the stress I was putting myself through. Cried through the entire fetal echo because I was looking at this little baby swimming around having a good old time and scared that he would not make it. I was so distraught the week before the echo that I did not want to talk about being pregnant. I even told my husband to stop talking about the baby because I didn't know if we should be planning on bringing home a baby from the hospital or planning a funeral. YES I was this severe even when the Head of our local Childrens Hospital was my MFM and told me I shouldn't be worried. I trusted my own research and Dr. Goo.gle.

So we go to the Echo it takes about an hour the cardiologist wont talk to me the entire time and I cry through out the whole thing. The Dr. turns off the machine looks me and says, "I really think we are okay. I don't see any problems and I want you to relax. I will scan baby after he is born if you need extra reassurance then". Relief!!!! I was completely relieved and went back to planning for my new baby. Of course this excitement was short lived until I filled my worry hole with another worry (worry hole is the term my husband gave my anxiety, saying it is just a hole that I constantly have to keep filled with a worry). Worry hole part 2 to follow...