Birth Story

I love telling my birth story. I love reliving that amazing day. Describing it takes me back there. To the room, the smells, the memories of my miracle baby being brought into this world. Meeting the love of my life, the man of my dreams.


I am not sure where I left off but for a variety of reasons (including a history of heart decels in the baby) the doctors allowed me to have an induction at 39 weeks. I could have gone on to 40 or 41 weeks but my anxiety was taking over and we were being seen 3x a week for non-stress tests and Biophysical Profiles and those were quite expensive. Dh would be able to schedule time off (not a deciding factor but a factor nonetheless) as well. He was going to take 2 weeks of vacation. At 38 weeks I was 1-2cm dilated and 90% effaced. It was decided that I would just go in the morning of 39 weeks and they would start pitocin. No need for cervical ripening.

Dh and I arrived at the hospital on Tuesday September 15th at 8:00 a.m.. They found us a room and we unloaded all of our labor stuff. I changed into the gown and the nurse got me hooked up to the I.V.. By the time they finally started Pitocin it was 9:30 a.m. I had been having contractions for almost 2 months at this point, I really thought starting the pitocin was just going to trigger immediate painful contractions. That was not the case. They kept increasing it and I was contracting every 5 minutes but they were not painful at all. After a few hours of these I was getting frustrated. I kept saying I wanted the painful contractions to start so we could get the show on the road and I could meet my baby. The nurse suggested I get on the labor ball and rock in hopes of getting the baby's head to push on my cervix with contractions. It was about noon I think when I started doing this. After about half an hour I had my first real painful contraction. I was so happy! The painful ones continued and the nurse said they were talking about breaking my water. Right then I felt a trickle down my leg. I told the nurse I thought my water just broke. We waited to see if it would turn into the big gush that would allow for more effective contractions. About half an hour went by with just a trickle so they decided to rupture my bag all the way.


When they came in to break my water the rest of the way I was having for real contractions. I asked the nurse if they could get the "epidural people" ready so I could have my epidural right when they were done. She told me I was doing so well with my breathing and in control she wanted to know if I wanted to keep trying without the epidural. I knew I wasn't going to be allowed to get up and walk around (had to be on monitors for decels) and the contractions were going to be even worse once they broke my water so I said I wanted my epidural!. They went ahead and broke my water the rest of the way and it gushed like Niagara Falls! I was overcome with emotion at this point. There was no turning back. I felt guilty for my 39 week induction. What if there was something wrong with my baby and I forced him out early and I could have had a couple more weeks with him. These thoughts didn't last too long because the contractions and pain didn't allow me to dwell on this for long.

They came in and gave me my epidural shortly after that, although it felt like forever. They allowed my hubby to stay in the room but way across the room. I was so frustrated because I was having these painful contractions and they were telling me to hunch my shoulders but straighten my back and lean over and all these contradicting instructions with my huge belly in the way. I cried out that I thought the baby was ripping me in half. They assurred me he was not. Dh told me to breathe through the contractions. I politely told him to shut up. They finally got the needle in and the catheter positioned. The epidural slowly started helping and I was feeling the contractions less and less. The epidural was my best friend! They checked me and at this point I was 3-4 centimeters and it was around 3:00p.m. I think. They told hubby this would be a good time to go get lunch. He asked me if it was okay for him to go and I said I was great now that I had my epidural and that he should go. I was gonna try to rest and maybe nap a little. I still felt some pressure when the contractions came but no pain. It was interesting to have completely numb legs and not really being able to move them.

Dh went and got some lunch and I am not sure if I napped or not. I know he wasn't gone too long and when he came back I had the shakes pretty bad. I thought it was from the epidural since I have had the shakes as a reaction to anesthesia before. The nurse came in and said she thought I was beginning the transition stage of labor and said she bet I was 8cm dilated. She checked me and sure enough I was 8!. She went ahead and called my dr. and said it wouldn't be long. This was the same dr. who told me to prepare for a 20-24hr induction. About an hour passed and she checked me again and I was fully dilated. She went to call the dr. again to tell him to get on over. At this point I was having a weird pain/sensation in my right hip. They sent anesthesia in and gave me some extra meds. I now realize that this was the beginning of the push/urge sensation.

The Dr. finally came in at 5:30. He checked me and I was fully dilated and a plus 3. The baby was right there! I started pushing which was strange without the urge there anymore. I regret getting the extra medicine. I didn't know when a contraction was coming and the nurse had to tell me when to push. I felt like that made my pushed not as effective as they could be. The nurse also had me lying flat and I couldn't get much force behind my pushes. I pushed like this for a while. The entire time my sweet boy was right there, we could see his head. I didn't want to keep looking though because it was not the prettiest sight. His head was beautiful but I didn't realize I had hemmroids and those weren't so pretty! After close to an hour of pushing the dr. decided to do an episotomy. They had been preparing me for tearing the entire time. After the episiotomy he came out with the next push! My Tuna weighed 8lb 2.5oz and was 20in long. He had a poopy as soon as he came out (thankfully I didn't but I did pass gas) they took him right over to be cleaned up. I didn't even realize I had already delivered the placenta. The relief once he was out was so immediate and amazing. While they were cleaning him up they were sewing me up. Ironically the resident who was putting me back together graduated from high school with me! This was weird anyway but the fact that we are only 25 made it even more strange.

They brought him over to me and I started nursing him. One other regret I had is that I didn't get to have that skin to skin contact right away but he was nursing well. They transferred us to the recovery room shortly after and took him to the nursery to be checked out. My mother in law had come by this point and I was starving, she brought me Subway. I hadn't had it the entire pregnancy, for fear of listeria from the lunch meat. That was delicious. The epidural had wore off and I could feel the episiotomy incision, ouch! They gave me pain meds and I ate.

We stayed in the hospital for 2 days and I breastfed him the entire time. I did notice that one of his ears was squashed and his right foot was turned out. They asssured me that he was okay and it was from pregnancy and birth. They put him on antibiotics for his hydronephrosis and set up an appointment for him to see the urologist at 9 days old. I was having a lot of anxiety at this time and started the 50mg Zoloft the day after he was born. We went home on 9/17/09. Bringing our little boy home was an amazing day! I had no idea what was in store for me the next week. It had nothing to do with our boy though. The next post will explain it. I think I will title it "The Worry Hole's Revenge"!

DiGeorge Syndrome

I don't know why I haven't mentioned this but my Tuna may have DiGeorge syndrome. I took him to the geneticist because my bio father (estranged but thats a post for another day) found out he has a rare blood disorder called alpha1antitrypsin deficiency. Our pediatrician was not sure exactly how to test for it so she sent us to the geneticist. Well turns out he is not so concerned about the blood disorder but he has some features that make him suspicious of DiGeorge Syndrome. He has a bifid uvula (the hangy thing in the back of the throat is double/split) and a tiny VSD (hole in his heart) he also has hydronephrosis. From what I understand, and I am not going to google for a better explanation because I am trying not to obsess, but it is a deletion on the long arm of the 22 chromosome. It can cause mild mental retardation, physical delays, feeding issues, and heart issues.

It can range in severity but if he does have it the geneticist is thinking it is mild. He is meeting all of his milestones on time, he is strong, and huge at 17lbs, he is 5 months. That is good news but hubby and I would need to be tested if he is positive. Any future children could have it more severe and that is something we will need to take into consideration. Even before this info I didn't know if I could go through pregnancy again. Besides the whole fertility issues I was scared out of my mind. Literally. I just don't know if I can do it and worry the whole time. I know that I should not even worry about it now but worrying is what I do best!

So we wait. We wait for the results. The call. It could change everything. But I don't wanna think about it. What does it matter anyway? Will I love him any less? No. Hell no! Is knowing, having a label gonna change the fact that he is rolling over, laughing, jumping, playing, filling our hearts with love? NO, NO, NO! He is my baby, my perfect, beautiful, amazing baby and nothing will change that. So we wait. It has been 1 week it could take several. I don't wanna think about it anymore. I can't think about it anymore.

Bachelor

Watching the bachelor the women tell all. If he picks Vienna I am gonna scream. Something about her I do not like at all.

Anxiety has been really under control lately. It is the best I have felt in a long time. I will post the rest of my story soon. I had a school project I had to do today.

Had to go to the breast health center today because of my recurrent mastitis. Doing alright on the antibiotics though. I also went and got a new cell phone and new glasses. Go me! Tuna stayed home with daddy because he is on vacay this week.

Going shopping tomorrow. What are some good healthy foods that will help this scale budge?

Boring post today. Blech!!!

Going Organic?

The hubs and I watched Food Inc. last night. Highly reccomend it! Of course it fueled my anxiety and now it is about food and genetically modified food and foodbourne illness. Oh my! I am not too overly obsessed with it probably cause Tuna is not eating table food yet. I am looking into going organic and finding some local farmers markets and local meat. We will see how that goes.

Did I mention my zoloft is upped to 100mg now? It makes such a difference! Still anxious but takes the edge off. I have been crazy busy with school, taking care of the little man and big man, doing taxes, and taking care of the house.

I know I need to post the rest of my pregnancy and birth anxieties and stories. Believe me it is good! Stay tuned!

Stuck at 149

I have struggled with weight since I was about 17. I started at around 130. By graduation I was 150 and had been stable at that weight for a couple of years. In college I started rapidly gaining weight and had a host of other issues (acne, belly fat, whacky periods, depression) that I now know were PCOS symptoms. I went all the way up to 205lbs. Before my wedding I got down to 160 with some dr prescribed diet pills (I know not healthy dont scold). When we started trying with fertility treatments I went back up to the 175 range. Started Metformin after 2 years of TTC and got down to 135. I like 135, a lot! I feel great my cycles come every 32 days and I think I look good. I am not rail thin (5'5'') but I can fit in a size 6 or 8 and don't have to starve myself to maintain it. When I got pregnant with Tuna I weighed 137 the day I went in for my induction I was 177. I am okay with 40lbs. It is on the high end of normal but not too excessive. I now weigh 149. I was down to 146 but have slipped a little. I eat whatever I want when I want and this includes little debbies and pizza. I know if I would just keep track of what I ate and started exercising again it would come off. I really wanna lose these 14 pounds so I can fit in all my non maternity spring clothes.

Weight is on my mind today. Went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned. Woot! Don't you just love that dentist clean feel! Also went to the P dr who specializes in anxiety. Why can't I just say the word? Dunno. More on that later. Gonna eat some pizza (told ya I eat whatever I want) and watch Dr. Phil Family with the hubs. Love me some TIVO!

Worry Hole Part 2

So, I am about halfway through my pregnancy and the relief I received from the reassuring fetal echo was short lived. I went right back to worrying about the incompetent cervix and forced my dr.'s to scan my cervix every week as oppossed to every 2. When I was home I would lay on the bed with my feet up and avoid doing anything out of fear of putting pressure on my cervix. The thing with an incompetent cervix is that it is not usually diagnosed until it is too late for a cerclage. I was terrified and made myself more terrified. I searched the internet and found stories that supported my self diagnosed fear. I was also not above taking a trip to labor and delivery triage whenever I needed reassurance with a cervical check.

My husband and I went on vacation with his brother and brother's wife at 25 weeks. I was past the viability mark and had some relief. I was still terrified but a little less so. For some reason this vacation and being on the beach helped me to let go and enjoy myself, my pregnancy and the vacation. I walked, a lot. The day after we came home I went to my appointment got my cervix measured and it was perfect. That was evidence enough for me that my cervix was not a concern.

I should have been relieved I should have allowed myself to enjoy the third trimester and prepare for my baby. Let myself be excited and cherish every kick. Not obsess about listeriosis and all the possible diseases I could contract that would cause my baby any harm. I had also bought a fetal doppler and would use it everyday (less so when I felt movement consistently but I carried it in my purse in case I was ever worried) to check on the baby. It was around this time that I started to be very concious of germs and engaged in frequent handwashing and hand sanitizing. I was obsessed with food and would microwave the heck out of meat to make sure it was cooked all the way. Contracting an illness was always on my mind.

At 32 weeks I started having a tight belly all the time with lower backaches. I thought I was getting a kidney infection. I had passed stones throughout my pregnancy and was on a daily low dose antibiotic to prevent an infection but thought I had one anyway. It started on a Friday and I let it go until Saturday. Saturday I was just mildly concerned and called the OB thinking maybe he could call in a stronger antibiotic. He said it was probably an infection but to go to triage so they could do a urine dip and make sure and give me something for it. So I go by myself Dh was at work. They get the pee, hook me up to the contraction and fetal heart rate monitor and I was contracting pretty regularly. They checked my cervix and it was long and closed so they sent me home (urine was clear) and told me to come back if I had more than 8 contractions an hour. The next day (Sunday) my belly was tight pretty much all day and I thought maybe I should go get checked out just to be sure since I had to work the next day. Well I go get hooked up and am having contractions every 5 minutes, they check the cervix and I am dilated to a 1 and 50% effaced. That was a concern. Just yesterday I was completly closed and long and thick. So the contractions were changing my cervix.

I was immediately admitted put on a magnesium drip and given steroids for the baby's lungs. This entire time I was calm. I was concerned but not freaking out. My husband says that it is strange because I am anxious all the time but when there is actually a real concern I am calm. I think that this is because it was not the worst case scenario (WSC). My baby was okay they could stop labor and even if born at 32 weeks he had a good prognosis. I was in the hospital for 5 days until they could get the contractions under control. I went home on bedrest and meds.

The next weeks my worries were not of preterm labor but of stillbirth, infection, cord accidents. The WCS. I was at home and was able to worry and search the internet to no end. I was worried about losing the baby during the birth. All the scariest situations. Many a trip to triage to make sure the baby was okay. At one OB appointment during a non stress test the baby had some decels with contractions. I was sent to the hospital for 2 nights for monitoring (this was at 34 weeks). I was monitored for 2 days and had no more decels so went back home with 3x weekly NST and Biophysical Profiles of the baby. This only fueled my anxious fire. Other women would think that they were being closely monitored and take comfort in that. I was the opposite I was more convinced something was going to go wrong.

At my 36 week ultrasound they saw hydronephrosis on the baby's kidneys. They said it was common in boys and not a worry. I immediately scoured the internet and was again worried about a chromosomal abnormality. My husband was completly mystified. He told me I ran out of things to worry so my worries have come full circle and are repeating. I begged the nurse at my OB's office to convince the Dr. to give me an amnio. I just could not go on not knowing if my baby was healthy. They told me it was pointless because by the time they would get the results my baby would be here. So I went those final weeks convinced something was going to be wrong with my baby.

I waited so long for this baby I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I should mention I had been in therapy for about a year at this point. The OB's and my therapist wanted me on zoloft to try and control my anxiety. They even snuck in a psychiatrist during one of my visits who prescribed me the med. I filled the prescription but refused to put it in my body. I knew it would probably help but my anxiety about taking it prevented me from taking it for help. It was a vicious cycle. At my 38 week appointment I was presented with the option of a 39 week induction. Everyone was surprised that I was even still pregnant and with my history of decels we thought it was best to induce then instead of going possibly 2 more week with 3xweek NSTs and BPP's. I of course was all for this I just needed to see that my baby was okay and end this constant worry. My new worry deadline was going to be when he was born. Once I saw he was okay I just knew I would be able to stop worrying. Birth story to follow!!!!!

FKA Infertile

A question I have been asking myself is now that I have a baby am I still considered infertile? I have a diagnosis of PCOS and without Clomid or Follistim or Metformin I do not ovulate regularly on my own. Now that I have had a baby do I lose the infertile title? I still feel infertile. My whole pregnancy I acted like someone who had a difficult struggle conceiving. Being in the TTC with Fertility Treatments world I know way too much about all of the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy. Two pink lines does not equal a healthy baby in 9 months.

When I finally got my BFP (big fat positive) my first feeling was relief. I was shocked and told my husband well no matter what happens now at least I know I can get pregnant. Ha! That lasted all of 2 hours before the worry set in. What will my 1st Beta be? Will my Beta double? Will it be a chemical pregnancy? Is there a sac on the ultrasound? Is there a heartbeat? Once I met all of those criteria I then worried about making it to the 2nd trimester. I told myself I will relax once I get to the second trimester. Well once that happened I was then worried about NT scans and chromosmal abnormalities. NT results were 1 in 10,000 (very reassuring) for chromosomal abnormalities so I relaxed for a couple of weeks.

My RE (reproductive endocrinologist) released me to a high risk doctor at 14 weeks. Dr. L and his colleagues are Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialists. From 14 weeks forward I would be getting a transvaginal ultrasound to measure my cervical length and check for any signs of funneling that would indicate an incompetent cervix. I had a LEEP procedure about 6 years earlier, which could have left my cervix weak. An incompetent cervix can cause early dilation and preterm labor. The cervix will dilate once the baby gets too heavy in the case of an incompetent cervix and this typically happens mid second trimester. Right before the milestone 24 week viability mark.

So I told myself I would relax once I hit the magic 24 week viability mark. Well at my 18 week ultrasound of the baby they thought he may have a whole in his heart. At earlier ultrasounds they had seen an echogenic focus on his heart that is a very mild marker for down syndrome. Well once they told me that there could be a heart abnormality I went goo.gle crazy. A heart defect combined with the echogenic focus really increased the odds of a chromosomal abnormality. Note: The MFM's told me not to worry we would get a heart echo to rule out the hole (VSD) and they were not concerned about the baby or chromosomal abnormality. I have a tendency to go to the worst case scenario (WCS). I was not worried about down syndrome but the almost always fatal Trisomy 18. I told myself I could handle DS begged God please just let it be DS not T18. Freaked myself out and called the doctors office everyday crying to the point that they moved up my fetal echo to 19 weeks instead of 20 because they were worried about the stress I was putting myself through. Cried through the entire fetal echo because I was looking at this little baby swimming around having a good old time and scared that he would not make it. I was so distraught the week before the echo that I did not want to talk about being pregnant. I even told my husband to stop talking about the baby because I didn't know if we should be planning on bringing home a baby from the hospital or planning a funeral. YES I was this severe even when the Head of our local Childrens Hospital was my MFM and told me I shouldn't be worried. I trusted my own research and Dr. Goo.gle.

So we go to the Echo it takes about an hour the cardiologist wont talk to me the entire time and I cry through out the whole thing. The Dr. turns off the machine looks me and says, "I really think we are okay. I don't see any problems and I want you to relax. I will scan baby after he is born if you need extra reassurance then". Relief!!!! I was completely relieved and went back to planning for my new baby. Of course this excitement was short lived until I filled my worry hole with another worry (worry hole is the term my husband gave my anxiety, saying it is just a hole that I constantly have to keep filled with a worry). Worry hole part 2 to follow...

Hello Blog World!!!

Well this is my first post and I am hoping that blogging about my severe anxiety disorder will be a sort of therapy for me. As you can see by my blog title not only am I an anxious momma I have also traveled the road of infertility and treatments. I have a wonderful 4 1/2 month old son that I call "Tuna". He was born about 3 years after we started treatments. I have PCOS and will be sharing those struggles as well since they are such a large part of my past and present. I feel the PCOS and symptoms aggravate my anxiety. I am hoping this will be my safe place to vent about my emotions and struggles. Tuna is such a huge part of my world (my whole world, who am I kidding) so I am sure there will be a lot about him on here. I don't know if I will post pics though. Not that I am afraid of the interent world but afraid of my family (specifically the in- laws) stumbling upon this. They don't understand that what I am going through is very real and I can't just turn off the anxious thoughts. Pouring my heart and soul out just to be criticized is not the goal of this blog. I need a release. A place to get out of my own head. I am gonna go try to figure this blog thing out and make it look nice (well attempt to ). Here goes nothing...